Telling…….

I was afraid of the in person conversation, so I took the easy way out and did it over email instead. Since I am uninsured, Mommy Dearest graciously bought me one of those three month insurance plans after I graduated. That three month time slot has come and gone and she has graciously bought me another one. I received an email receipt of it, so I forwarded it to her with this note:

Me: does this mean that I have insurance? what all does it cover? i need some happy pills before i go off the deep end and slit my wrists. if it doesnt cover it, you will need to go and act crazy and get happy pills and give them to me. i have gone insane again and need help. pronto.

She responded:

Mommy Dearest: Well it has a $l,000 deductible and I think will only cover psych if you are hospitalized. Now if you think you need happy pills maybe call Dr’s office, just tell them you don’t have any insurance and see if the doctor can prescribe you something.

Me: is he qualified to prescribe those. I assumed only psychologists could since he would have to evaluate me.

MD: I am not sure, there is a female doctor there on Fridays, call and talk to the office manager.
Me: i mean what should i say. im depressed i need some type of mood balancing medication. im afraid they'll just tell me to see a psych. which i do not have the insurance to see.

MD: Yes, tell them you are depressed, lethargic, just want to sleep all the time, when they ask why tell them, I don’t have insurance I don’t have a job and I am too nervous to drive. Just see what they say. (My life boiled down to I don’t have a job and I’m too nervous to drive).

Me: lol did you rread what you just typed. they are obviously going to tell me i need psych help.

MD: I love you and want you to be the thriving beautiful person you really are. Driving working out among people. People add so much to your life experience, they are not your enemy, your room is your cocoon, come out of it and spread your beautiful butterfly wings. Wake Uncle D up and the two of you get out in the sun, drive around or whatever.

I spent the majority of today trying not to think, then thinking and crying my eyes out, and then trying not to think again. I call G-Ma Nancy every day at 8 in the morn then again at noon; I forgot to call her today. She called me while I was busy not thinking and asked why I didn’t call and what I had been doing. I told her I was just busy. She asked busy with what, and I told her busy doing nothing. I couldn’t think to answer because then I would just end up evaluating everything so, I started to cry again. She didn’t know. I just changed the subject and asked what she had been doing then got off the phone. This is so pathetic and ridiculous.