The Last Supper (this is going to be emo)

After my birthday dinner, and the revelation that Bestie 2 has found a real job, I was a fuckin’ mess the next day. I talked to you that night, Poodle, about how everything went down and what I failed to even remember and bring up was their reaction when I finally told them I am essentially crazy again.

There was a lull in the convo and I figured I’d tell them then. I kinda assumed Bestie 1 may have known (Sensei maybe said something to her in passing). So, I couldn’t even get it all out without crying. So pathetic, there I am at the restaurant crying like a fucking baby. The part that, thinking back, upsets me even more is they didn’t offer any comfort or anything. I mean it was embarrassing as hell: me on one side them on the other me telling them I’m crazy and I do not even think they could look at me.

I told them pretty much everything I have shared with you; what I’ve been going through, and they had the same things to say that everyone, even you, Poodle, have to say. It’s just like I’m having the same conversations over and over and over. I went to bed, after you had validated my feeling/the situation over the phone and woke up in a state.

I’m miserably sick, and was miserably sick on my birthday and that only exacerbated (usage?) the matter. I woke up and its like everyday shit just hits me like a ton of bricks. I cried all day long. I was in such a state and was soooo close to jumping in the volcano. It was scary. I was by myself in the house everyone was gone but Sister 1, she was sleeping, and I was just hysterical. Thinking and thinking and thinking and crying non stop. I’m essentially at the fork in the road where I buck up and do shit or take the easy way out and jump in the volcano and the volcano option is the easy answer.

After waking up that morning, our convo the night before, the rehashing of shit in my head that day I came to the realization that I am alone. I swear to fucking god my entire closet just collapsed. Im back to freaking now.

I am soooo lol’ing at my life/situation right now. Here I am whining about how I have to make a decision to do or to volcano myself and how I came to the conclusion that I am alone and its my fault when boom closet collapses. Its 4am here. I was the only one up until the closet collapse. Right after I typed I was alone the closet collapses. So fucking weird. Mommy Dearest stumbles in and sees the rubble and says to have Uncle meth help me fix it later today. Yeah, like I’m just going to sit here with all my shit laying all over the place. I pull all my clothes off the rod, move everything out of the way, and go into the kitch and get a screw driver, screw/wall anchor thingy and fix my own fucking problem. How fuckin trippy is that. Its such a metaphor/allegory for what the fuck is going on. My life is clearly a collapsed closet and I’m the only one that can fix it; this I already knew and have known for sometime now. The thing is, I can fix a fucking closet in a hot minute but I cant fix my life.

I have gone completely bat shit mental right now. I’m reading shit into everything.

My x file tapes. My elephant bingo bag Big Mama gave me. My bag of b-day memories for my scrap book, all the art I made in high school. Pretty much a symbol of everything I was crying over in the day. I had made up my mind it was all such a fucking waste. So pathetic. I am crazy. I fixed my closet I just had to finish this. Im sitting here typing this while all my shit is still all over the fucking place.

Jagged Little Pills

I am now officially taking pills: generic xanax for depression/anxiety and a generic ambient to sleep. They are not working. I have been a fucking wreck. I go from 0 to 60 in a hot minute. If anyone even looks at me wrong – do not even test me.

I have cried more and went off over the smallest silliest things than I have ever before. I do not think it is a side effect from the meds. I say that because what I am experiencing now is not different from what I was going through pre-pills. It’s just that now it is more frequent. Like end of the rope/ reaching the bottom frequent.

Sensei and Bobba Fett know that I’m taking pills. When I talk about it I play things off in a joking and extreme self deprecating manor, so I doubt they realize or take it at face value when I tell them I am crazy – exactly how crazy I really am – but they just sort of laugh it off. Silly, Ashley, I play it off as a silly thing, or maybe they do know. Idk at this point anything for sure. I haven’t told bestie 1or2, and I don’t know if I will.

What I do know, is that I have fallen into that depressive cycle that if something goes wrong lets just add more to the pile. I quit my job. New management = bullshit and shit hrs that this 24 (soon to be 25yr old, cry for me) did not value at minimum wage. No matter how shitty the economy is, or scarce the jobs are, it was not worth it. Plus I did build up a little savings to pay my student loan bills. I pay my billzzzzz. Plus, I went back there today to get my last paycheck and my share of the tip money and surprise surprise no tip money (the new manager was stealing). And! The place looked like total shit: everything that was my responsibility like stocking shelves and cleaning looked like shit!

But, back to the pills: I don’t think they are working, I think I am worse off, and I have reached a point where I am not taking any shit from anyone. Shit - meaning any off handed remark or dig, that someone may mean as a joke, ohhh fuck no, we will have words. I don’t care anymore; I’m at the bottom and really have nothing left to loose or care about.

Yeah, I like to talk a big game.

Changes have occurred, not the positive ones I had hoped or even the life altering ones that I need. No, my mood has not changed, but the process of dealing with this funk has.
I have been taking pills that my pizza place coworkers have been giving me. Looking back it is amazing I never became a stoner in hs or a crack head because I apparently never learned or had the chance to even practice the just say no speech.

At first, I just knew they were taking pills and they were happy, so I asked for one and got two; two fabulous pills of unknown origin that gave me a boost of motivation. The worry stopped and that part of myself that is always thinking about what I haven’t accomplished and how big of a loser I am quieted down – until the meds ran out.

I have changed because I feel that even when it was really bad years ago, I don’t think I would have just taken random pills from semi acquaintances just to – I don’t even know why.

Another thing is the pizza burns. I was reluctant to learn how to “use” (READ: move pizzas from the top to bottom) oven because I was afraid to get burned. Well, I did and I got burned and it hurt. I’m talking three in long burns on my forearms right around the area that Bestie1 and I put out incense on our arms in hs. The point is: it hurt – for like the first couple of seconds, but then the burn and the lingering sting took me back to when I used scrape my arm and the sting/burn of that. In a way it felt good. I have changed into a sick ass bitch.

Fuck Youuuuuuuu 2009

2009 sucked ass, so hopefully I can make 2010 awesome. For that matter, the entire next decade and after that and after that and after that. You get the idea. Ch-ch-changes are going to be made. Some good, really scary, and totally out there crazy things I am going to have to do to better myself.

Christmas Traditions

The thing I dread most about Christmas time, besides the extended amount of time spent with family, is the dreaded nagging questions about my license status. Mostly it comes from Daddy Dearest’s side of the fam.

I dread, every year, when every single one of them come up to me and ask, “Have you gotten that license yet?” Then, I have to tell them I still haven’t and they always shake their head at me, laugh me off, or offer to help me get over my fear (which is so nice; ty Great Uncle and Aunt!).

This year I do not think I can take it. I sort of snapped at my Great Aunt a couple weeks ago at a jewels party my distant cousin was throwing. Good god the amount of relatives. Anyway, she asked about the license. AGAIN. And I told her I still hadn’t gotten it and she began the schpeal of: I need to get it, when am I going to get it, what am I going to do without it, how will I live, etc. etc. I just got brutally honest and was like Great Aunt, I really have no idea, I don’t think I ever will, I don’t think I can (w/out the assistance of various drugs in my system to calm me the fuck down), and I thought after all these years you guys would quit asking and figure it out that I can’t. A family friend over heard my little, um truth vomit, reply and actually said that if I know I can’t drive and know I’m not comfortable doing it, then good for me. She said there are plenty of people out driving that shouldn’t be and at least I was smart enough to know.

Tonight, we went to Great Aunt’s to wrap presents for a needy family – more family members were present and the q’s were asked again. I answered the same and all of their reply’s where the same. What would the holidays be without traditions?

Conversations

Via text

Mommy Dearest: I am on my way I am getting tired of this

Me: Meeeeee toooooo. I’ll quit my little pt job, get rid of all my friends, and stay home foreverrrr

MD: Do the adult thing get a driver license

Me: I told you already I need pills. This isn’t some fucking excuse. It is a serious mental and psychological disorder. I wouldn’t have come out here if Sister1 wouldn’t have agreed to take me and pick me up if I paid for her gas money both ways.

annoying

Now is not the time to be stirring shit up with me, seriously.