The Last Supper (this is going to be emo)

After my birthday dinner, and the revelation that Bestie 2 has found a real job, I was a fuckin’ mess the next day. I talked to you that night, Poodle, about how everything went down and what I failed to even remember and bring up was their reaction when I finally told them I am essentially crazy again.

There was a lull in the convo and I figured I’d tell them then. I kinda assumed Bestie 1 may have known (Sensei maybe said something to her in passing). So, I couldn’t even get it all out without crying. So pathetic, there I am at the restaurant crying like a fucking baby. The part that, thinking back, upsets me even more is they didn’t offer any comfort or anything. I mean it was embarrassing as hell: me on one side them on the other me telling them I’m crazy and I do not even think they could look at me.

I told them pretty much everything I have shared with you; what I’ve been going through, and they had the same things to say that everyone, even you, Poodle, have to say. It’s just like I’m having the same conversations over and over and over. I went to bed, after you had validated my feeling/the situation over the phone and woke up in a state.

I’m miserably sick, and was miserably sick on my birthday and that only exacerbated (usage?) the matter. I woke up and its like everyday shit just hits me like a ton of bricks. I cried all day long. I was in such a state and was soooo close to jumping in the volcano. It was scary. I was by myself in the house everyone was gone but Sister 1, she was sleeping, and I was just hysterical. Thinking and thinking and thinking and crying non stop. I’m essentially at the fork in the road where I buck up and do shit or take the easy way out and jump in the volcano and the volcano option is the easy answer.

After waking up that morning, our convo the night before, the rehashing of shit in my head that day I came to the realization that I am alone. I swear to fucking god my entire closet just collapsed. Im back to freaking now.

I am soooo lol’ing at my life/situation right now. Here I am whining about how I have to make a decision to do or to volcano myself and how I came to the conclusion that I am alone and its my fault when boom closet collapses. Its 4am here. I was the only one up until the closet collapse. Right after I typed I was alone the closet collapses. So fucking weird. Mommy Dearest stumbles in and sees the rubble and says to have Uncle meth help me fix it later today. Yeah, like I’m just going to sit here with all my shit laying all over the place. I pull all my clothes off the rod, move everything out of the way, and go into the kitch and get a screw driver, screw/wall anchor thingy and fix my own fucking problem. How fuckin trippy is that. Its such a metaphor/allegory for what the fuck is going on. My life is clearly a collapsed closet and I’m the only one that can fix it; this I already knew and have known for sometime now. The thing is, I can fix a fucking closet in a hot minute but I cant fix my life.

I have gone completely bat shit mental right now. I’m reading shit into everything.

My x file tapes. My elephant bingo bag Big Mama gave me. My bag of b-day memories for my scrap book, all the art I made in high school. Pretty much a symbol of everything I was crying over in the day. I had made up my mind it was all such a fucking waste. So pathetic. I am crazy. I fixed my closet I just had to finish this. Im sitting here typing this while all my shit is still all over the fucking place.