Jagged Little Pills

I am now officially taking pills: generic xanax for depression/anxiety and a generic ambient to sleep. They are not working. I have been a fucking wreck. I go from 0 to 60 in a hot minute. If anyone even looks at me wrong – do not even test me.

I have cried more and went off over the smallest silliest things than I have ever before. I do not think it is a side effect from the meds. I say that because what I am experiencing now is not different from what I was going through pre-pills. It’s just that now it is more frequent. Like end of the rope/ reaching the bottom frequent.

Sensei and Bobba Fett know that I’m taking pills. When I talk about it I play things off in a joking and extreme self deprecating manor, so I doubt they realize or take it at face value when I tell them I am crazy – exactly how crazy I really am – but they just sort of laugh it off. Silly, Ashley, I play it off as a silly thing, or maybe they do know. Idk at this point anything for sure. I haven’t told bestie 1or2, and I don’t know if I will.

What I do know, is that I have fallen into that depressive cycle that if something goes wrong lets just add more to the pile. I quit my job. New management = bullshit and shit hrs that this 24 (soon to be 25yr old, cry for me) did not value at minimum wage. No matter how shitty the economy is, or scarce the jobs are, it was not worth it. Plus I did build up a little savings to pay my student loan bills. I pay my billzzzzz. Plus, I went back there today to get my last paycheck and my share of the tip money and surprise surprise no tip money (the new manager was stealing). And! The place looked like total shit: everything that was my responsibility like stocking shelves and cleaning looked like shit!

But, back to the pills: I don’t think they are working, I think I am worse off, and I have reached a point where I am not taking any shit from anyone. Shit - meaning any off handed remark or dig, that someone may mean as a joke, ohhh fuck no, we will have words. I don’t care anymore; I’m at the bottom and really have nothing left to loose or care about.