Conversations: Different People

On the way home I told Mommy Dearest ty for re-upping another three months of bare minimum insurance. Bare minimum insurance costing hundreds of dollars for only three months coverage, mind you. This led to us talking about me being crazy again and how my bare minimum insurance will not cover a Dr visit in order for me to get the mood balancing meds that I clearly need.

I told her I came to the realization that these “episodes” always occur after I have run out of things to focus on. It’s like my mind has to be constantly occupied or I will flip out. I knew I was getting ready to graduate so I focused more on painting and other projects for friends and swaps, then boom – school ended and I lost the motivation to do anything. I mean I could think things up to do, but it was like I just ran out of gas. I reminded her of the hysterical breakdowns I had when I was little over homework having to be perfect. I broke down the evolution of my, well I don’t really know what to call it.

Me: “It started when I was little and I would pull out my eyelashes, then it turned into scraping myself, then after therapy I started using one of those pedicure skin shaver things on my feet, but not like a normal pedicure. I would shave off the skin down until it bled. It became too painful to walk in shoes and noticeable in the summer so I stopped that. Yesterday, I caught myself chewing on my lip. Not normal chapped lip conditions here. I purposefully peel off the skin. This is not normal behavior at all”

Mommy Dearest: “…….”

I brought up my first time going crazy and how I realize offering up my g-pa story was just a convenient excuse to stop because I had thought I moved on and that was the reason for all the bad.

Mommy Dearest: “You don’t understand, as young as you were saying that and not knowing, its no wonder you feel guilt.”

Me: “But, then why don’t Sister 1&2 have these issues, I’m not buying it.”

Mommy Dearest: “They are different people, and there has to be something else that happened when you were little.”

Different people. Why did I get the short end of the stick? I told her sometimes my mind gets so anxious and I do not like the way I feel so I imagine a bullet ripping through my brain; just tearing through it. I imagine the feeling of a gun on my forehead and the explosion through my skull and tearing of the tissue/thoughts within. I am not suicidal and have no intention of killing myself; that image just helps to calm my mind.

Me:” I am 24; I have no career, I live at home, I have no license, no money and no car. I am in debt over a degree in business that no one will hire me for. I am tired of being a looser.”

Mommy Dearest: “You just need to get out in the sun; it’s not healthy to be indoors all the time.”

Me: “Sister1&2 never see the light of day and they don’t have my problems.”

Mommy Dearest: “They are just different people. You have always been a perfectionist, even when you were little. You are not a looser.”

Very convincing.