I definitely need help.

It has been months now that I have been thinking this, and haven’t been in any position to get any help, so I waited thinking I could do something– but I feel like it is a now or a forever crazy kinda thing. I am still not in a position to get any said help, but feel it’s the time to bring it to the attention of those who could possible afford to get me some (read: the ‘rents).

It’s like I cannot control it. I burst into tears even thinking about it, and I’m not even sure what “it” is. So, you know that’s crazy. I know I need medication of some sort. I know I am definitely bipolar. I know I cannot do this anymore.

It’s nothing and everything.

It’s nothing of consequence to a normal person, but it’s like a kick in the fucking gut to me; especially when all the little nothings add up and I blow. It’s hard talking about it then because that is when I seem the most crazy – normal people do not go postal over everyday little nothings. Just little everyday annoyances are built up into major things and it gets to me. The weirdest thing is I know it’s happening and try to stop it then I can’t.

It’s everything that is not going right for me or that I cannot do right or seem to accomplish. It’s the major everythings in life that I do not have and can’t seem to get and everywhere I turn there is a reminder of it. Everyone I come into to contact with is a reminder of it. Everything everyone says to me is a reminder of it. It’s half and half really. Half the time they are not aware of what they are saying and how I save it away for later to stab into myself, but the others, the ones I live with and are aware of what I do not have, constantly remind me. On purpose, like if I just decide to take care of everything I wouldn’t have these problems. It doesn’t work that way – it never has and you would think they would get it by now.

This shit ain’t right and it's getting harder and harder to ignore.

I'm going to the movies tonight with my besties and act normal.