I definitely need help.

It has been months now that I have been thinking this, and haven’t been in any position to get any help, so I waited thinking I could do something– but I feel like it is a now or a forever crazy kinda thing. I am still not in a position to get any said help, but feel it’s the time to bring it to the attention of those who could possible afford to get me some (read: the ‘rents).

It’s like I cannot control it. I burst into tears even thinking about it, and I’m not even sure what “it” is. So, you know that’s crazy. I know I need medication of some sort. I know I am definitely bipolar. I know I cannot do this anymore.

It’s nothing and everything.

It’s nothing of consequence to a normal person, but it’s like a kick in the fucking gut to me; especially when all the little nothings add up and I blow. It’s hard talking about it then because that is when I seem the most crazy – normal people do not go postal over everyday little nothings. Just little everyday annoyances are built up into major things and it gets to me. The weirdest thing is I know it’s happening and try to stop it then I can’t.

It’s everything that is not going right for me or that I cannot do right or seem to accomplish. It’s the major everythings in life that I do not have and can’t seem to get and everywhere I turn there is a reminder of it. Everyone I come into to contact with is a reminder of it. Everything everyone says to me is a reminder of it. It’s half and half really. Half the time they are not aware of what they are saying and how I save it away for later to stab into myself, but the others, the ones I live with and are aware of what I do not have, constantly remind me. On purpose, like if I just decide to take care of everything I wouldn’t have these problems. It doesn’t work that way – it never has and you would think they would get it by now.

This shit ain’t right and it's getting harder and harder to ignore.

I'm going to the movies tonight with my besties and act normal.

Even with a guaranteed in,

I cannot get a job. Four different jobs with four different ins and no one will hire me. There is no such thing as a guaranteed in. I am really in an awkward position in this economy. I am either grossly over qualified for hourly work or grossly under-qualified for salary work that requires a minimum of five years experience. I understand being turned down for being under-qualified by not having the years of experience, but come on Sears Hardware, what was your excuse?

Bitch please!

Addictions and Disorders

In a family that deals exclusively in addictions and disorders, an outsider would be shocked to note that my own family cannot or will not even spot the disorder/issue in myself.
Not all issues are traced back to drugs or a stilted emotional upbringing – although they (the family) flip flop every other discussion on whether or not a person’s character weakness is a valid excuse for their addiction and/or disorder.

In a family of freaks, why am I the one that is the poster child for not normal. Yet, they refuse to think anything is seriously wrong with me. I am just making it up in my own head - playing it for attention. Yes, because who doesn’t want to live a pathetic life like this 24/7 and have the longest running permit in history.

I will never be normal until I get the fuck out of here and everyday it is looking less and less likely that I will.

I am not addicted to drugs and have no major mental illness (that I currently know of). What I do know is that I cannot drive. There is some deep seated fear in me, some anxiety that is present every time I think about driving that I cannot get rid of. I have no license and avoid driving at all costs (a symptom of this) and that is the first thing that family members point out/ recognize, so why do they not think there is an issue behind this and its not just me saying: Hey, I don’t ever feel like getting a license to drive – I will make everyone cater to my driving needs. I know it is not normal, I know it is silly and ridiculous, and I know I have to get over it. They think I can flick it off like a switch and get over whatever is holding me back. It doesn’t work like that; nothing in this family ever does – or they would have all of their addictions and disorders under control.

Question: How does one go about finding what they are meant to do?

I am 24 and have no clue what I am supposed to do about a lot of things right now, but let us focus on a career first. I am a college graduate therefore I should be passing up jobs in order to focus on a career. Fine, if the economy was good and positions were aplenty. Great, if I had any idea of what I wanted to do with my life (career wise).

Most of the people I went to high school with, and went on to finish college, all have found their path. They went to school to be a teacher – they were driven to teach. She is now a paralegal – she knew she wanted to be involved with the law but didn’t want to be a cop or a social worker. She wanted to a psychologist, but found out she liked nursing better. He went on to be a cop because he liked to have authority over people. I went to college and got a business degree because…………..

I have no idea why. I sold myself on that because – hey, its business it can apply to everything and what else was I going to do? My god I am an idiot. For someone like me who thinks of things very black and white, definite answers, no surprises, a plan from point a to b, and no confused opinions on any topic, why did I pick the single most degree/direction with so many undefined paths and answers?

I’ve pushed that question out of my mind for a long time (starting around the time I first enrolled), but time has run out and I need answers. Fuuuuuck me! I have no license and no vehicle; which I guess doesn’t matter since I have no direction to go in (but that is for another day and another post). I am without my own homeless; yes, still freeloading of the 'rents. I am currently jobless to boot which would explain why I am penniless; well not exactly. I have a little over $200 and an amazing supply of paper, paint, and yarn, DVDs, my rings, dog and cat children (that technically do not count since I do not buy their food) and my Little Mermaid treasures. I would trade them all for a little direction, purpose and some answers.

I’ll even throw in my soul too – it’s really a bargain since its never been used.
One thing at a time I guess, I have to fix all this shit since I 'm the one that made this mess. Job/career first. That is if anyone will ever hire me.







Ok, my emo quota for the day has been filled.

Morning Conversations

My Mommy Dearest has this amazing ability to forget the history of events – especially if I have caught her in an unjust act. She has this inclination to suspend reality to spin things her way - which fails and leads to an argument every time because I. Forget. Nothing. I soak up everything like a sponge especially when it concerns the way she treats everyone as opposed to me. So, I find it amusing she thinks I wouldn’t notice/remember the fact that she made more of Sister 1’s car payments than irresponsible lazy owner did herself. I had to go to my parents and beg for money to pay my school and if the loss of dignity wasn’t enough I offered to let them count as birthday and Christmas presents. Did S1 do this? No, of course not. It annoys me that I try to do the right thing and get shit for it when others clearly don’t and nothing is thought of it.

MD: “If that Sister 2 messes up her school scholarship I am not going to pay for it.”

Me: “Well, good luck with that because I don’t imagine S1 is planning on making any of her payments; which means you are going to be stuck making them all.”

MD: “I have paid out way more on you than I have her. You know there is a nice lookin’ used mustang for sale down the street.”

Me: (Remembering that MD only paid four of my school payments for me, two for a birthday gift and two for Christmas) “Your ability to skew reality astounds me.”

MD: “What am I skewing?...(as I walk out of the room)…I just mentioned a car.”

I am no longer following the common sense rules.

Anyone who lives in a crowded house or has a roommate knows what I am talking about. For example, the common sense rule that if you use the last of the toilet paper, replace the fucking role. The common sense rule that if you drink the last of the pitcher of sweet tea make a-fucking-nother one. These are really not that hard to follow hence the name common sense rules. A borderline ‘tard could figure it out (Sorority Row reference).

I am the only person in this house that follows them. There have been numerous times I have reached that critical point of needing toilet paper in the bathroom only to look around frantically because there is none to be found. I do not know how many times I have been like 99.99% parched and wanted some sweet tea only to find the empty fucking pitcher in the fridge; the pitcher that I had just made an hour ago and put it in the fridge to cool down. Only the best sweet tea is made on the stove in an actual kettle, but I digress.

I will no longer be following these common sense rules since I am the only one in the house that does. I am going to have my own fucking roll of toilet paper that I will be taking to and from the bathroom. Instead of making pitcher after pitcher of perfect sweet tea I will be making them by the glass full for myself. I hope the rest of the people living in this house will die from dehydration and petrificaction due to the fact that they will have to sit on the toilet forever because no one replaced the fucking roll!

Sometimes I wish I was like TG.

TG, short for transgendered, is my cat.

We have a weird sort of passing of the family cat ritual around this house. Sambo, the cat I got when I was 3, disappeared one day and big furry black cat came to live with us. When big furry black cat went away, TG came. The universe sends them to us, so who am I to turn them away.

When TG came I fell in love with her. She was tiny and cute and loved only me (the family wanted to shun her (“Away with another pet!! No more!!” – they cried!). I named her Dinah.

One day, while holding and cuddling my furry little cosmic gift child, I pet a part I had never felt before. Yes, my little girl cat had furry balls. I had never seen a cat with furry balls before. Sambo and big furry black cat where both males, but they had been neutered prior to me knowing about animals with and without balls and I really never noticed/cared to notice. The point is I grew to love my cat in the female identity she was accustomed to and who was I to judge her for wanting to be a girl cat. Her actions, demeanor and personality are all very feminine (trust e I can tell). So, Dinah turned into TG for short and she lives a fabulous life.

TG is confident in who she is - regardless of the extra furry balls, she is secure in her diva identity and her role in this (read: my) family of pets.

TG does not stress out about the way she lives or the mean ‘rents attitude about not letting her in the house – bitch sleeps poolside on cushions three feet off the ground and in the winter (when I sneak her in the basement) she sleeps in a cocoon of clean laundry set atop a table.

TG knows and has a purpose – if I am sitting outside she will come to me for her rub and cuddle, when I open the back door to let Rory out, she knows that the other evil little dog will see her and want to chase her. I feel it is because the evil little dog is not very tolerant in regards to those of his pet species that choose to live an “alternative lifestyle”. TG lets him chase her all over the neighborhood because she knows I secretly hope the evil little dog will get lost and some other family will take him in (cruel, I know, but evil little dog’s mother does not take care of him).

TG often acts like a dog – don’t get me wrong, she is secure in her female feline diva identity, but sometimes she will display canine characteristics around Rory. This just shows that she can relate to those around her on another level. TG and Rory get along wonderfully.

TG maintains her girlish figure (except for the furry balls) – I spoil this cat. I know you’re supposed to feed your animal children on a schedule, but TG has a fabulous party lifestyle with the neighborhood’s free wandering pets and keeps irregular hours. So, I am constantly keeping her food dish stocked up, and no, there are no other pets eating out of that dish – mine or the neighborhoods. She eats it all, wolfs it down like a bulimic on a binge, but she keeps it down and maintains her svelte feline figure.

I am a human and can’t seem to accomplish some of what TG has (or, you know, I made up for her).

This is TG saying: "Bitch, please! I am trying to get my sleep!"

Where I’m starting at:

I am 24yrs old. I am a college graduate. I am jobless. I am without insurance. I am without a license. I am without a vehicle. I am a pet owner of one transgendered cat and one and a half epileptic dogs. I am my own home-less. I am a Ginger (redhead). I am going crazy.

I can paint. I can draw. I can run other people's live so much better than my own. I can make the best soup. I can argue you under the table. I can quote from many movies.

I have $300 left to my name. I have applied to work everywhere for every position open. I have friends. I have family. I have the best Big Mama in the world. I have issues. I have got to change some things.