Thanksgiving.

Family drama as usual: this year with participants fresh from rehab.

My Big Mama (Mommy Dearest’s mother) is my favorite person in the whole family. She practically raised us, my MD will argue this, but we were dropped off at Big Mama’s house every morn at 6:30 and picked up late in the evening around 6. We ate breakfast, lunch (when not at school) and dinner at BM’s house. She brushed our hair, fixed us up for school and picked us up if we were sick.

My Big Mama is a bit of a hypochondriac/drama queen. Every year is her last (enter the holiday/event); she keeps saying she is going to die, and to most this would sound odd but she been saying that since I can remember. Every time she says that, I tell her she will live forever and, if she does die, it will be a double funeral because I cannot live without her. She is the only one I get along with. I always joke that we could get a double coffin so I can lie next to her like we used to do on the couch when I was little and watch TV all day long.

This year, when I got to her house for Thanksgiving, there was a houseful of people and BM was in her room lying on the bed. She doesn’t like a house full of people. I layed down next to her and she started in on her shpeal of this is her last Thanksgiving, she’s getting to old for this, and she’s not long for this earth. Lately, I have been so stagnant feeling. Nothing has changed for me. I am stuck where I am. I told her if she’s ready to go so am I.

Dreams that glitter.

I never dreamt about growing up and being something, ever. Most kids dream about being dr’s, lawyers, mom’s or teachers. I never had a dream of my own. I remember playing office or work with my friends when we were little, and I remember copying off whatever they wanted to be. I never had a dream of my own, and now I am a dreamless/directionless adult too.

So full of twilight,

Went with the besties thurs. night to see New Moon, I hadn’t seen either of them in person in awhile. After Bobba Fett’s convo a couple weeks ago, I decided I would try to talk (read: text) to them every day. This has been more successful with Bestie 2 than Bestie 1. B2 and I have talked everyday – from lame hello’s to facebook convo’s. B1 has never answered me; which is odd.

At the movie, B1 and I were talking about my lame-o new job and she totally dissed it. She had asked if I ever ate the food at where I work, and I said no (hello! I’m on a diet!! -10lbs). So, after that she said, “Good! The food there is disgusting; I don’t know how my family likes it.” Now, I’m sure she didn’t mean to offend me and I am sure I’m overreacting, but it hurt my feelings. I have very little in my life to cling onto/be proud of/be productive in any means possible, and right now that job is it – all I have going.

Anyway, I’m not really into Twilight – I don’t think Edward is all the cute. However, I did like this one better than the first.

Revolution in the Head

I need to start changing my outlook. I am a Negative Nelly and a Downer Debby. This is not a winning combo, nor is it particularly helpful to the depression, excuse me, my B-12 deficiency.

Call The Shots

I’m certain the reason I have an aversion to relationships is because of my parent’s relationship. I have no idea why Mommy or Daddy Dearest are still together. Anyone looking in on their relationship would, at this point, have to be scratching their heads as well.

They do not get along. They sleep in separate rooms (this could be due to his sleep apnea/excessively loud snoring). They rarely spend time together (I do not count the nightly TV watching ritual as quality time). They publicly ridicule each other. They disapprove of each other’s use of money. They rarely agree and often call on their children to join their arguments and take sides. Not a very healthy environment to be in.

I have always heard: You are who raises you; I do not want to be them. I have always heard: Girls always look for and marry traits of their fathers; I would rather kill myself or turn lesbo, really.

The key to understanding their relationship, anyone’s really, is control. Who makes the decisions and takes the responsibility. I suppose healthy and happy relationships share this responsibility/burden. In my family, it’s really Mommy Dearest orchestrating the entire operation, while Daddy Dearest thinks he does. Daddy Dearest takes the responsibility when things go well, if Mommy Dearest hasn’t beaten him to it, but when shit goes wrong at any given moment either of them will be pulling a child to the side and whispering the other one is an idiot for fucking things up.

Mommy Dearest controls the money, but Daddy Dearest still feels in charge since he takes large amounts of money out each week and hoards it in his secret stash. All the doing is done by Mammy Dearest, Daddy Dearest just lounges in the recliner and “supervises”. She does the majority of the work around the household, when something is too complicated or she is not sure and has to go to Daddy Dearest – we hear about it for days after. Mommy Dearest can’t handle the simplest things, she can’t do anything right, and Daddy Dearest knows everything. When she makes dinner, she makes him a plate and brings it to him. I WILL NEVER DO THIS. EVER. He goes golfing, bowling, and to other activities that overweight middle-aged men his age do, Mommy Dearest doesn’t have any activities, other than gambling, but recently she stopped since Daddy Dearest disapproves.

I will never, ever have a relationship with any man like my father. This bitch calls the shots in her own life, or lack there of at this point :)

When your friends have abandoned you……

Working the other morning, I was chopping up onions with Bobba Fett when he says to me: “Ashley, your friends have abandoned you, what is that about?”

It really bothered me.

It’s not that they’ve abandoned me, because they really haven’t. I haven’t abandoned them either; I still make efforts to communicate. We haven’t really been out together in a long time; since vaca this summer really. It’s just we are all busy with different things.

Best friend 1 is raising a son and trying to get her relationship with his dad on the right track.

Bf 2 is essentially living with her man, working and looking for a real grown-up job.

And I am the mess that I am.

But, there is more. We do not talk anymore, about anything. I had no idea Bf 1 and little Mr’s dad were trying to work things out again. Maybe she didn’t want to tell us because she would have been worried about our reaction or possible judgments. A good reason, since I have many and have shared them, but I would have supported her (like I have in the past) and do.

Bf 2 has become a secret squirrel also; it started really when we were still in college. I would share things with her and she would fail to tell me things. It’s a good thing she was awarded a scholarship; she deserved it and she didn’t have to hide it from me. More and more things I hear secondhand now.

I told Bobba Fett that they haven’t abandoned me; we are all just busy and in different places. It bother me because I hate changes. It’s like after we graduated hs; we just have to find a new groove, a new routine.

So Annoying

An acquaintance from hs recently proposed to his gf and he has been all over facebook gushing about it. I get it. It’s exciting and a huge momentous event in a person’s life, but come the fuck on.

Must I log onto my facebook and see status after status of: I hope your wearing sunglasses (gf) because our future is sooo bright. Or, do I have to be subjected to the annoying long posts in excruciating detail of how you proposed, how you got her friends in on it, your worries about picking the ring, having her friends help pick it out, what you and she were wearing, and every single thought that went through your head. All played out like some re re romance novel or a lifetime movie of the week!!!

That was harsh. I regret that; I enjoy a good lifetime movie of the week.

I promise that when I have good news, if the planets align and a miracle occurs, I will not annoy others incessantly with my good fortune. I will limit myself to one facebook status update. I swear.

Temper, Temper

This self imposed therapy/negative thought expunging/bitching session is not really having the desired effect I wanted on my disposition. I thought it was enough to get it all out, but maybe I need to share it with someone in order to get some feedback.

Even with the writing, and avoiding of confrontation and arguments, I still catch myself flying off the handle at the littlest things. I mean: Hello crazy person here - tread lightly. I thought by now, with as much time being passed and shit thought and wrote out, I would have a better handle on things.

It may be time to call in Poodle. At least so someone can read and give me some kind of direction/feedback.

Dolla dolla billz, ya’ll

I have to start making student loan payments this month. With my vast non wealth - non liquid cash – my zero dinero shizzzzz.

I am seriously contemplating becoming a call girl. The clientele in this county is definitely not desirable, but I need the cash and I can take plenty of silkwood showers.

Halloweentown

God, this year was so depressing. Halloween is like Christmas to me – it’ my fav holiday. Some people count down to xmas I count down to Halloween.

This bitch, being the new girl, had to work all fucking night. Fuck me. It was boring as hell. I get the new girl gets the short end of the stick, but the heffa’ (Is your wig squeezin’ your brain too tight, heffa?” –Nene) who everyone, including the manager, dislikes because she fakes family emergencies and skips out on work – didn’t have to work. Don’t lie and tell me everyone has to work Halloween, but be honest and say, “New girl, you are fuuuuuucked.” – Pizza dude.

The plan was for everyone to meet at my house after 10:30ish for a bon fire and food. Bestie 1 and Little Mr., dressed as Mary Poppins and Bert, stopped by my work. They had a long day so I knew they weren’t coming. Bestie 1’s older sister, Sensei, her husband, Bobba Fett, and her little bro, King J, came out. But, Bestie 2 said she had two parties to go to and she was sick.So, she didn’t come, but the pics all over facebook look like she was having a blast – sick or not – at the party she was at.

It just wasn't the same this year and that depresses me.